Things I wish I'd known before
Here are a few things I wish someone had said to me (and probably did) when I was starting out, in no particular order:
- you are a mother before you are a teacher, and sometimes your children need you just to be mum (even if it's the middle of a maths lesson). If you are getting so bogged down in the teaching (or in problems arising from the academics) that the relationships in the family are beginning to suffer, take a step back and put the relationships first, because the most important thing you are ever going to teach your child is how to relate to others. If his memory of his relationship with you is soured because you were too busy 'teaching' to listen to him, he's not going to have a very good example to work from regarding how to treat others. Sometimes you have to close the maths books and just go out for a walk - and the beauty of home-ed is that you have the freedom to do that.
- whatever you do, don't dwell on your own inadequacies and/or beat yourself up when things aren't perfect - because they never will be. They are never perfect in any school, anywhere, and no matter what those blogs say, they are never perfect in any home-school either. So, accept that this is going to be a messy business and that you are going to get a few things wrong (maybe lots of things), and then, when things aren't perfect, don't be surprised, don't dwell on it and don't get discouraged.
- don't be intimidated by someone else's idea of what you should be teaching your child (I should add, especially not mine!). On this site I've put up a few links to National Curriculum requirements for various subject and ages. These aren't there to be scary but to be informative. You are not legally required to teach their content, but it might put your mind to rest to know what your child would be doing at school so that you can bear it in mind (or not) as you develop your family's curriculum.
- It's also helpful to remember that there is no perfect curriculum, no perfectly worked out body of knowledge which you are obliged to pass on to your children. There are suggestions and guidelines (such as the National Curriculum, Common Entrance programmes and various 'What your child needs to know' books) but the experts never quite agree on what to teach and what not to teach. So, of course you need to look at what others do, but think most carefully about your own interests and strengths and talents and those of your children - and put these at the heart of your curriculum. Your family is unique in the sight of God: no-one else has your children, your burdens, your joys, your loves and hates. Certainly, use others' lists and curricula to fill in the gaps and help with areas in which you are less confident, take ideas from other people, but don't feel that you have to do exactly what they do. And if something really doesn't suit you, have the confidence to stop using it, no matter how well it worked for another family, how highly it was recommended or how much you paid for it. If it doesn't help you to teach your children, it's not worth a penny.
- try to be happy and cheerful. If you've already been home-educating a while you'll know that there are times when this can be really, really hard. I think my biggest regret in the past sixteen years of educating my children is all the time I wasted dwelling on what wasn't working and getting discouraged by it. Some days my poor, tired, commuting husband would come home late from work and, after patiently listening to my litany of all the things that went wrong that day, he would quietly ask, 'And did anything good happen today?' I was always mortified. Focus on the good things - they are always there if you look for them, even on the worst kind of days. And as I said before, if it all reaches a pitch and things simply are not working, it's no good carrying on at that point - no-one's going to learn anything, no matter how much you insist on it: call it a day and start fresh tomorrow, or next week, or next month.
- PRAY, a lot. I often tell people that home-education is wonderful for your spiritual life: it is so humbling to have all your faults and failings on display each day as you struggle to remain patient whilst carrying a very real burden and often being pushed to the limits by your children and circumstances. But as a wise priest once said to me, 'There's no point praying for virtues unless you are prepared to pray also for opportunities in which to practice them.' Educating your children at home will give you such opportunities in abundance - it's up to you how much use you make of them, and that will depend on how much you are prepared to step back and say in all humility, 'I can't do this alone!' We've taken on a huge responsibility in educating our children, but as Catholics we know that we are not doing it alone. And if we allow our struggles to turn us more towards God and away from our own self-sufficiency, we will have benefited from the whole process in ways which we cannot even begin to imagine.
Here are a few things I wish someone had said to me (and probably did) when I was starting out, in no particular order:
- you are a mother before you are a teacher, and sometimes your children need you just to be mum (even if it's the middle of a maths lesson). If you are getting so bogged down in the teaching (or in problems arising from the academics) that the relationships in the family are beginning to suffer, take a step back and put the relationships first, because the most important thing you are ever going to teach your child is how to relate to others. If his memory of his relationship with you is soured because you were too busy 'teaching' to listen to him, he's not going to have a very good example to work from regarding how to treat others. Sometimes you have to close the maths books and just go out for a walk - and the beauty of home-ed is that you have the freedom to do that.
- whatever you do, don't dwell on your own inadequacies and/or beat yourself up when things aren't perfect - because they never will be. They are never perfect in any school, anywhere, and no matter what those blogs say, they are never perfect in any home-school either. So, accept that this is going to be a messy business and that you are going to get a few things wrong (maybe lots of things), and then, when things aren't perfect, don't be surprised, don't dwell on it and don't get discouraged.
- don't be intimidated by someone else's idea of what you should be teaching your child (I should add, especially not mine!). On this site I've put up a few links to National Curriculum requirements for various subject and ages. These aren't there to be scary but to be informative. You are not legally required to teach their content, but it might put your mind to rest to know what your child would be doing at school so that you can bear it in mind (or not) as you develop your family's curriculum.
- It's also helpful to remember that there is no perfect curriculum, no perfectly worked out body of knowledge which you are obliged to pass on to your children. There are suggestions and guidelines (such as the National Curriculum, Common Entrance programmes and various 'What your child needs to know' books) but the experts never quite agree on what to teach and what not to teach. So, of course you need to look at what others do, but think most carefully about your own interests and strengths and talents and those of your children - and put these at the heart of your curriculum. Your family is unique in the sight of God: no-one else has your children, your burdens, your joys, your loves and hates. Certainly, use others' lists and curricula to fill in the gaps and help with areas in which you are less confident, take ideas from other people, but don't feel that you have to do exactly what they do. And if something really doesn't suit you, have the confidence to stop using it, no matter how well it worked for another family, how highly it was recommended or how much you paid for it. If it doesn't help you to teach your children, it's not worth a penny.
- try to be happy and cheerful. If you've already been home-educating a while you'll know that there are times when this can be really, really hard. I think my biggest regret in the past sixteen years of educating my children is all the time I wasted dwelling on what wasn't working and getting discouraged by it. Some days my poor, tired, commuting husband would come home late from work and, after patiently listening to my litany of all the things that went wrong that day, he would quietly ask, 'And did anything good happen today?' I was always mortified. Focus on the good things - they are always there if you look for them, even on the worst kind of days. And as I said before, if it all reaches a pitch and things simply are not working, it's no good carrying on at that point - no-one's going to learn anything, no matter how much you insist on it: call it a day and start fresh tomorrow, or next week, or next month.
- PRAY, a lot. I often tell people that home-education is wonderful for your spiritual life: it is so humbling to have all your faults and failings on display each day as you struggle to remain patient whilst carrying a very real burden and often being pushed to the limits by your children and circumstances. But as a wise priest once said to me, 'There's no point praying for virtues unless you are prepared to pray also for opportunities in which to practice them.' Educating your children at home will give you such opportunities in abundance - it's up to you how much use you make of them, and that will depend on how much you are prepared to step back and say in all humility, 'I can't do this alone!' We've taken on a huge responsibility in educating our children, but as Catholics we know that we are not doing it alone. And if we allow our struggles to turn us more towards God and away from our own self-sufficiency, we will have benefited from the whole process in ways which we cannot even begin to imagine.